In the beginning…Part 2

I have been trying to remember how I felt in the first year of trying, and I think to be honest I didn’t realise how serious this was going to get. We simply had a problem, that would be sorted as soon as the issue was diagnosed…right? So my life didn’t really change that much, I was still drinking, still overweight, still eating what I fancied and just assuming that a Doctor would declare one day ‘AHA!! You need to wear red socks in bed and you will become pregnant!’ Looking back that was extremely naive, but nobody tells you what to expect because nobody knows, and the journey will be individual to the couple. I was approaching it all very matter of fact, very ‘lets get to the bottom of this so we can do something about it’  but at this stage I didn’t think I could make any difference, so I changed nothing. The only thing I did do was to start taking Pregnacare, vitamins  containing folic acid and other recommended goodness. Tesco do their own version and always seem to have it on 3 for 2 offer too!

TIP: START TAKING FOLIC ACID AND BASIC VITAMINS AS SOON AS YOU DECIDE TO GET PREGNANT – THIS IS REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU HAVE PROBLEMS OR NOT, IT’S JUST THE RIGHT THING TO DO 🙂

If I could talk to myself back then, I would definitely say the following;
“Take care of yourself now” “Sort out your stress” “Lose some weight slowly but consistently” and most importantly “Push for every appointment to be as soon as possible, don’t be fobbed off waiting months”

Anyway, back at the Batcave..I mean Doctors…I was being told I was to have the next level of tests. All wonderful tests designed to make a woman feel relaxed, feminine and to uphold her dignity….

YEAH RIGHT!!!! 🙂

These are not my tubes (although they look fantastic!)

Welcome to the HSG test or Hysterosalpingogram to give it its full name, a test that checks your tubes are in full working order. Basically all I was told was to turn up and have a dye put ‘up’ into my tubes whilst being scanned, so the nurse could track where the dye went. Well I was straight onto Google and got some horror stories! The advice was to take paracetamol before you go in case you get these ‘awful cramps and pains’ some women were experiencing. I was utterly petrified. I am prone to panic attacks and my poor hubby had a job to keep me still as I was jigging around and saying “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!” When the nurse (apologies if she isn’t referred to as a nurse) came to collect me I had my best ‘I’m fine!’ face on..you know the one where your smile is so broad your teeth almost touch your ears.

I lay on the bed, feet touching, brought my knees up and then let them flop apart (so far, standard smear test procedure) and she prodded a bit and messed about with the monitor which was to the right hand side of me out of my vision. I just kept breathing. In for 4….out for 4…. Then she asked me to slightly shift to the left side, so I shifted. In for 4….out for 4…..

“Okay that all looks fine. You can get dressed now.” The nurse had already moved away from the bed and I was left with a genuine gawping mouth. “You’re kidding me?! You’ve done it?!! I thought you were getting me into a certain position and hadn’t even started!” She smiled and then told me how my tubes are not blocked at all, everything looked as it should. The best bit was the fact that sometimes having an HSG makes you more fertile as your tubes have had a clear out, so for the next few months I may be more fertile than normal. This is obviously music to my ears and I absolutely take this positive information to heart and return to my hubby a much happier individual.

Of course in my case I didn’t become more fertile, still nothing happening.

And I think about now is when I started to take this all very, very seriously. Which meant that I utterly blamed myself and found it hard to be positive. It was my fault because;

  1. I was clearly being punished for something I did years ago
  2. It was because I drank and smoked my way through my twenties
  3. I’m so fat, and rubbish at losing the weight
  4. I worry too much and all the stress has frazzled my insides
  5. I already have a daughter and Mother Nature doesn’t think I’m good enough to have anymore
  6. I’m just generally a rubbish person…oh woe is me….I’m crappity crap-crap…

It’s important to remember that us women and our hormones are designed for this downward spiral into paranoia and I spent the next 3 years going over the 6 points above and plenty more. But I try to remind myself that this is normal, and not to give myself such a hard time. Whilst we all have moments where we think badly about ourselves, there’s very rarely a situation that you can focus this negativity onto…until you can’t make a baby.

I feel I should end on a more uplifting vibe soooooo….

ADVICE: WHEN YOU FEEL LOW AND RUBBISH, STARE INTO A MIRROR AND TELL YOURSELF NICE THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. IT MIGHT FEEL SILLY BUT IT’S LIKE A KIND OF SELF-HYPNOSIS, AND BY REPEATING THIS YOU’RE TELLING THE ‘YOU’ INSIDE SOMETHING LOVELY. IT GOES IN. GIVE IT A GO, YOU’VE NOTHING TO LOSE.

  • Love and hugs people x
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5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Luisa on November 10, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Thanks for writing this blog, Jodie. Obviously I know how it all feels, but I like the way you write and can relate to it all. Bless you. So wish I could wave a magic wand for you… xxx

    Reply

  2. Posted by Sam on March 26, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    Hello Jodie, I just wanted to say that i love your style of writing. I went for my first lot of blood tests today, i have been feeling very anxious about the whole process, so its lovely to hear of your experiences. already i am felling less jittery about it so thank you.

    Reply

    • Good luck Sam and don’t worry it 😉
      I started this blog with the intention of passing on help and reassurance to others so it’s wonderful to read how you feel!
      Thank you and keep in touch, let me know how you get on x

      Reply

      • Posted by Sam on March 27, 2012 at 11:58 am

        Hi Jodie, Thanks for your reply, i have just finished reading your blog from start to finish, you truely are an inspirational woman! The ups and downs that you have been through and yet you still manage to keep a smile on your face and give hope to others like me. I was really suprised to recieve a call from my doctors this morning, my blood results were back already!! Im now even more confused than i was yesterday if im honest, they want me to be re tested as my blood sugar is high. I really hate it that it was the recepionist that called me as she couldnt tell me anything other than that,i just need to know if im ovulating.or not, and what it means that my blood sugar is high, h2b and i at least have a massive chore to keep our minds off it as we were woken in the night to blimmin rats in the flat!!! euwww wheres the bleach. Sorry im waffeling, i tend to do that when im anxious lol. Take care xx

      • Thanks again Sam, you’re a sweety x
        I’m obviously not a doctor nor medical professional in infertility but I’ve learnt a lot over the years and can pass this titbit of knowledge I recently discovered. Your high sugar levels need retesting to rule out diabetes as this can affect ovulation BUT do not panic. If you do have diabetes, you should enquire about METFORMIN. This drug has been given to control sugar levels in diabetics with infertility issues and has been really successful. My source on this is a Health Advisor so she knows what she’s talking about.
        Basically though, don’t worry when more tests are asked of you, they are all taking you closer to resolving your problem…and then getting you pregnant 🙂

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