My first week of blogging..

Well it’s been a whole week of blogging and I thought I’d share what has happened to me because of feelingfertile.

I think I’m actually feeling better, stronger, because I’m externalising my experiences and emotions, and because I’m sharing with others what would normally have remained a dark personal secret. I feel exposed too, which is actually quite scary as I never know what people are going to say when they’ve read my blog/posts. I have had wonderful feedback though, and discovered yet more people affected by infertility, people who I have known for years but both of us unaware of our shared situation. I think (and hope) that I can reassure them as much as they reassure me. I do hope they know that, as everything shared is shared both ways.

This week of remembering the past, the not so pleasant past, has been quite draining at times. I think we forget for a reason, so we can move on, but I have had to dig deep and regurgitate some difficult emotions. Anger has been the strongest one. This is a truly angry journey, and no-one can stop the anger that builds because it is absolutely justified. Mother Nature has let us down, has abandoned us when we were ready, when we had a solid, stable relationship to grow into a family. To go into the IVF world means that we all have to be financially secure as it’s far from cheap, and that means that great, practical thought goes into the decision. You can’t put a price on a child of course, but you want to be able to provide a nice home when they get here too. Our relationships get tested, as the pressure of what’s happening affects both partners, and more than likely they react differently. So here we are, this perfect couple who have such strong love to pull through this emotional, financial and physical battle with nature…how much more can we do to prove that we will make great parents? Yet it still doesn’t happen. It’s times like these that I want to curl up at the bottom of a vodka bottle.

More positively (and we absolutely must be positive) we are better people because of this journey. I have a deeper appreciation of many things in the world now, I have more empathy to others, I want to help people more and I am very aware of the awesome love that my husband and I must clearly share (soppy alert! apologies). I have a kind of positive guilt too, because I have a daughter by my first marriage (she’s nearly 16) so I am fully aware that my emotions are not, and will never be as intense as those of a woman who has not had her own child yet. I say it’s positive guilt because there’s nothing I can do to change the fact that I have had a daughter (and my love for her is overwhelming) but I am aware of the difference and respect it. I am aware of the temptation to feel guilty as I cannot 100% understand my husbands feelings as he has not had his own biological child yet, but that would be wrong. I have been able to give my husband a step-daughter for the last 5 years and he has had such an impact on her that I simply must take warmth from that. Even though he wants his own, he is already an amazing Dad in our eyes. Having secondary infertility brings with it its own issues and strangeness.

My husband commented earlier that I have been quiet, which if you knew me is not like me at all! I’m a loud, gobby nightmare most of the time 😛 but I think I may have found a quietness. Who knows though, tomorrow I could be bouncing off the walls again!

Right, I’m off to watch Carnivale on Sky so take care all x x x

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