IVF Part 3: The ‘afterwards’

So after the IVF egg collection and then the subsequent ‘pop back the fertilised ones’ session a few days later, the two week wait (2WW) is upon you. This is really quite tough as it’s as if you have the biggest secret in the world…but can’t do anything with it…as it might just go wrong and then there is no longer a secret to share. So there is this breath holding awesomeness which you can’t help but smile at, coupled with a voice in your head telling you to keep you feet firmly on the ground and think about something else. Yeah right!

For me I didn’t even get to the end of my 2WW as my period came a couple of days before I could even think of testing 😦 I felt robbed even of this moment which is ridiculous when I think about it as it doesn’t make any difference to the overall outcome. But still I wanted to have that morning moment of preparing the test and getting tummy flutters etc.. whilst hubby and I sat watching a pee’d on stick. Nevermind. Maybe I was saved an extra disappointment.

After the realisation of a failed IVF attempt hits you, you are numb. You can’t quite believe that this has just happened to you, and where is the justice or fairness? Anger kicks in quite quickly and along with all the drugs that have been pumped through our system, I think we should all be excused some mental moments. For me, I went back to work as soon as I could, in fact I made sure that our IVF journey had little if any effect on my working day and I strived to keep that part carrying on as normal. I think it helped me to focus on the mundane job stuff, whilst such a tremendous feat was going on in my personal life, it helps to balance life out I guess.

I wanted to begin planning the next IVF attempt, that was how I ‘got over it’. I very quickly tried to deal with the reality that it didn’t work and then map out our next moves. It was now truly confirmed that egg quality was our problem, and so I embraced the research of this and tried to find out everything I could to help improve my scenario. Do check back to my previous posts that refer to what supplements I take in regards to egg quality improving.

My biggest battle though is with myself. For as long as I can remember, when I have a problem in my life I reach for a glass of alcohol. This is not to say I am an alcoholic, but drink has been a comfort during a life filled with awful husbands, a dead mother and a troubled childhood. I know this is my way of ‘losing myself’ when I can’t face reality and I’m sure that I’m not alone with that feeling. If I’m sad, I will have a drink, this then lets me cry openly like a baby and I can ‘let it all out’. It also sometimes lets the anger out too which is not so pleasant for those around me but I’m sure a shrink would encourage that more than the tears. But as you may already be thinking, alcohol is something that I should be avoiding as it is AWFUL for fertility, and so here starts my cycle of self blame. I am currently on holiday and am drinking alcohol until I return home, then my wonderful hubby is going to join me in giving up alcohol altogether for our very last attempt at assisted conception with our frozen embryos in March/April 2012.

I think the big thing to take on board when going down the IVF journey is that you will face your inner demons. If you can embrace them, or even deal with them, then the strength from this will take you as a couple, forward with whatever happens. I suspect I run from mine and don’t face my own truths sometimes, but at least I’m aware of this and so surely that must be positive? I will continue with the yoga and meditation and try to lose the weight, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and hold my head high even when I am my own worst enemy. Because tomorrow is another day…and maybe it will be a fertile one?

Happy New Year everyone! May next year be filled with happy experiences and lots of positive pregnancy tests! 🙂


3 responses to this post.

  1. I’m sorry this one didn’t work out for you. I know how painful and disappointing it can be. It sounds like your resolution to give up alcohol and to continue with yoga/ meditation are a great way to carry on. So true about the inner demons and struggles, infertility can be so cruel, but we have to manage the best we can. Better luck in 2012 for all of us!


    • Hi Jenna, thanks for your comment.
      This was the first of three attempts that failed, the last one with donated eggs that worked only to end in miscarriage. It’s a tough and horrible thing to go through and every woman who has been through it even once deserves a medal! I’m looking forward to turning my health situation around, it’s been a long time coming.
      Fingers crossed for you too x


      • You know, it is just incredible how many times people struggling with fertility issues get knocked down. I love how you are making lemonade from a pile of lemons and working to improve your health. You go, girl!

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