Sort my knee out, then get baby-body ready

I am currently lying on my sofa with my knee raised, a collection of drugs at my side and all the tv remotes/notebooks/books/phones I could wish for. On Monday evening I had ACL Resconstructive surgery to my knee as a netball collision resulted in my cruciate ligament…well….disappearing. This has meant that I have been unable to do competetive sport for roughly 3 years (I adored netball) and have had to find a new way to walk as my left knee doesn’t ‘work’. I fell over quite a bit and with each fall my knee would get slightly worse, my knee doesn’t stop, it just keeps going which is very unpleasent and VERY painful. I am pleased with how I handled my knee as I listened to my physio and did the exercises (well most of the time) and knew I had to build the surrounding muscle to  help me walk so that I looked/felt normal. I did struggle with walking up/down stairs though and needed to get one of those kneeling chairs to sort out my back which also ended up in pain as it coped with my distorted walking posture. I have been through this knee scenario all whilst going through my IVF journey, but it finally got so bad that I had to face the fact that I couldn’t risk carrying a baby with such an unreliable knee. To think that I could fall whilst pregnant and lose the baby was just unbearable after everything we’ve been through.

How my knee looks at the moment

So I had my reconstruction booked in before we go for our last IVF/egg donation attempt this year, hopefully allowing sufficient time for me to heal before becoming pregnant. This wasn’t easy as I’m sure most of you would empathise with the urgency and driving desire to go for IVF as soon as possible, I’m not getting any younger either so am more than aware that every month brings my chances down. But the bigger picture is that the healthier I am, the better my chance of producing a healthy baby. This surgery which is forcing me to lie down for recuperation, be looked after  in regards to what I’m fed and making me organise our family life more than normal as I am limited in movement, has also provided me with an opportunity to contemplate on my health and take some ‘me’ time for improvements.

I can be very self-negative, have low self-esteem and struggle with day to day situations that no-one is aware of (my anxiety and panic attack issues), so I’m hoping that this time will allow me to really address some of my issues and become a better, stronger person. One big area for me to work on is my weight, which will be difficult as I can’t work-out as such, but I can certainly help myself to develop a healthier eating plan. I have successfully avoided alcohol now for 3 weeks, not a problem, and am starting to see a difference in my skin! This is a great spur, and I am now enjoying being tea-total 🙂

I have some pod casts on meditation and weight loss that I plan to relax to, and a wonderful book on assessing and improving myself as a whole (a wonderful christmas present from Kristen). I’m feeling very positive about this, which is surprising as I’m supposed to have PMT at present, lol! My knee hurts unbearably when I bend it at the moment, but I have to move it to get it working, so I’m following my physio to the letter. In fact I think I might be too keen and have over-done it a bit as my large scar has just started bleeding….scary! I will be off work for at least 2 weeks (hopefully longer as I want to be as good as possible before I go back to all the stairs), but I have lots of lovely drugs to see me thought this rough time.

I know we aren’t supposed to blame ourselves with miscarriage, but the controversial fact is that I think we all probably do a bit. After all, something went wrong inside me, so it’s hard for me to not think that my weight played a part, or my inability to deal with the stress I get from work or my old womb..etc. I can’t obviously dwell on this, but I can learn from my doubts and hence why I’m now trying to improve myself for next time. I am truly excited for the next attempt and want my knee to be fully ready to support a big bouncy baby 🙂


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