A miracle happened and then ended in another miscarriage

miscarriageApologies for not having posted in a while but there was good reason. I have been going through hell and was unable to share what I was experiencing for many reasons, mainly because we were keeping our miracle pregnancy as quiet as possible. I can now, however share my brief miraculous journey with you.

5 years we have been trying for a baby, plus 2 failed IVFs and an egg donation IVF ending in  miscarriage. I have been diagnosed with secondary unexplained infertility, possibly due to the quality of my eggs. I am currently 39 years old and overweight (but still look hot). However on Saturday 4th February the impossible happened, I had a positive pregnancy test! On Sunday 26th February however, I miscarried.

Not only are the odds ridiculously slim for me falling naturally, the conditions in which I did also do not bode well for a normal, healthy fertile woman. When I was 3 weeks pregnant (approx) I had my knee surgery, I went under the knife! I then proceeded to take very strong pain killers and other drugs all of which are not advisable for pregnant women. After the op I was due to start my period 3 days later, but I didn’t. This didn’t concern me as I knew that surgery can delay a period by days or even weeks, and to be honest the thought of having to go to the loo every 20 minutes due to my heavy period wasn’t great when you’re on crutches, so I was fine with a delayed period. In the 2nd week after the op however, I started to feel really sick, and I mean really sick. I put this down to the painkillers so no problem there either. Then my boobs started to really ache, and I would wake up in the night in pain, just because I’d turned over and moved my boobs! So I did at this point start to think maybe I should do a test, just to rule it out, so I could continue to chuck pain killers down my neck.

I got hubby to buy a pregnancy test when he went on his weekly shop and when he got home I thought, ‘Oh stuff it, let’s do it now even though it’s not morning’. I truly expected for it to be negative. I’ve never been the type to do loads of tests as I don’t like false hope and a positive test one day can turn into a late period 2 days later. When I saw the 2nd line appear I started to go into shock and my eyes welled up. Hubby came into the kitchen (which is joined to our bathroom) and I was holding the test in awe, I just looked at him, he looked back. Neither of us knew how to react. We both instinctively knew that this could quite easily become another miscarriage, and so we both denied ourselves a congratulations moment. The odds were against this one surviving due to the surgery and the drugs I’d recently taken and we accepted this. On the other hand this embryo had to be a tough little cookie as it was the first one of mine in 5 years to make it, and it made it through the surgery and through the drugs already. And it was still here! It was giving me serious morning sickness, achy boobs and now I was also being hit with the emotions (crying at everything with no apparent trigger), which are all good signs that the hormones were kicking in as expected and embryo was bedding in for the long haul.

I had a check up for my knee surgery and my Consultant reassured us that the anaesthetic used wouldn’t have caused any harm, which was wonderful to hear. I had an appointment with my GP (who was over the moon for us) and we collected our MATERNITY PACK. What a moment! We have never had one before and it felt like we’d found the Holy Grail! This purple, plastic A4 folder would contain every detail of our pregnancy and be with us right until the birth. I was also given my Midwife’s contact details and told to make an appointment with her too. Again, this was overwhelming for us and we felt like this is it, we’re on our baby journey now! My GP also tried to get me an early dating scan to reassure me and to double-check the dates as my infertile background makes me a bit unreliable when it comes to dating.

The following week however my pregnancy symptoms would stop and start, for days at a time, and this concerned me. Also, one night I awoke with very uncomfortable tummy cramps, which made me fear the worst was happening. Nothing terrible seemed to happen though and I continued on as normal, I even went clothes shopping with my mother-in-law and picked up a couple of maternity items (they were in the sale and I would have been a fool not to have grabbed them, I was fully aware that it was too early for maternity clothes but sometimes you just go with the flow). I was due back to work on Tuesday 21st Feb.

That very morning I awoke to bleeding. Not much and no pain, but it sent me into utter panic. I called the midwife who basically couldn’t do much and tried to reassure me that bleeding is quite common in early pregnancy (which it is) but that if severe pain came on then I should go to A&E. I went to work but couldn’t focus funnily enough, I was all over the place. The worst feeling is knowing that stress isn’t helping, but being powerless to stop this forceful waterfall of despair from completely covering me. In the end we decided to go to our private clinic (BMI Chiltern) and pay for a scan, if only to calm me down.

The scan was very stressful for me, but the sonographer said that everything looked good, it was all in the right place and was fine for a pregnancy of 5-6 weeks. THIS IS WHERE I REALLY BEGAN TO MELT DOWN. You see I should have been 7 weeks, and I took what she had said to indicate that my baby wasn’t growing, and she couldn’t reassure me otherwise because it was a possibility. I could be wrong with my dates she suggested, but I was having knee surgery when her dates say I was conceiving. “I couldn’t walk let alone have sex!” I cried. So we left there confused, a bit reassured, but more confused.

Wednesday I fell apart even more at work, I had to excuse myself from a meeting because I just couldn’t cope with it all. I saw a counsellor in the afternoon who helped me immensely and explained to me that the main reason I wasn’t coping was because I didn’t know what I was coping with yet. I was basically having a threatened miscarriage so it could go either way, and for a control freak like me, not knowing what’s going on sends me nuts! I did actually feel better after seeing her and so tried to get through another day of still bleeding, cramping, but not at the same time.

Thursday we had an NHS scan and this was our wonderful moment. We were prepared for bad news but were in surprisingly good spirits, as if we were coming to terms with this strange situation and just relieved to be seeing someone else who could maybe shed further light on it. This scan also said 5-6 weeks gestation, but we saw a heartbeat! It was such a magical moment! Even though it was only a tiny flickering we knew what it was and the sonographer again was happy with everything else she saw. When we spoke with the nurse she explained that my bleeding could be due to my scar tissue from my previous c-section…..but that was 16 years ago. We were happiest at that moment I think; we’d seen our baby’s heart beating 🙂

Friday it went downhill fast. I had to come home from work at lunchtime as the pain had increased and was now coinciding with the bleeding. In the evening we went to A&E in Stoke Mandeville and saw a lovely GP who confirmed a threatened miscarriage still, but that just meant we were still in limbo. Saturday it got worse, and Sunday I lost my little one 😦

Today I went back to work but I’m still in pain and bleeding, but I didn’t know what to do as I’ve been sitting at home for ages because of my knee; I needed to get back in to society I think. We both knew from the start that the odds weren’t great for this pregnancy and we were trying to be realistic but at the same time, one has to be positive surely? Today I actually feel quite positive about the future as I have just been fertile so surely I can do it again? I though I’d share with you what I did differently in case it helps any others out there who have egg quality issues, or are just struggling to conceive;

  1. I stopped drinking alcohol completely 2 weeks before I conceived (and haven’t touched a drop since, and won’t be either) 2 glasses of wine a week can cut your fertility by 50% apparently but I had always struggled with going tea-total in the past. Now I can say that it might have made a huge difference to us so can’t recommend it enough (hubby also has given up the booze).
  2. I had been taking maca and wheatgrass as a smoothie, l-argenine and royal jelly supplements and drinking raspberry tea for a good 3 months before conception. Please look into supplements and find ones that suit your scenario. I have a previous post here on alternative things to try.
  3. I had been on holiday! You may now know that I am a stress-head and struggle with anxiety but a holiday was just what the doctor ordered, as they say.
  4. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. This is the tough one because I haven’t a clue as to how I’m going to reproduce this! I was basically worrying about my forthcoming knee surgery, the last thing on my mind was getting pregnant as it would have been terrible timing (in a good way).
  5. Sex. It looks like I might ovulate later than I thought and so I’m throwing out the ‘baby timed sex’ out of the window. Ignore the ovulation sticks, stop taking your temperature every day and just make love when you feel like it 😉

Whilst Mother Nature has dealt me a crap hand yet again, I am going to hold my head high and smile for my new-found fertility. I WILL be pregnant again and I WILL one day hold a baby in my arms. Determined bitch I am!

In regards to the one I lost, I can only accept what my body has done, and it has done its job. If there is a problem with my pregnancy then my body has dealt with it as it’s supposed to. Does this sound cold? I don’t mean it to, I mean to try to be accepting of things that are out of our hands, to see the bigger picture and to face up to what’s best. This isn’t easy for me, but I deal with tragedy by moving forward.

I would also like to thank FertilityZone as I found their forum so supportive when I had a million questions and was a lost soul.

Good luck to you all, and keep smiling! A miracle is simply something that hasn’t happened yet 🙂 Be positive!


7 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Richard on February 29, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    You are one of the bravest people I know you have every emotion I can give you!


  2. I am so sorry to hear about all of this. But kudos to you for being so positive. You’re right – you are fertile and it will happen!


  3. Posted by Luisa Timberlake on February 29, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    Oh Jodie….I cannot believe your post. I don’t know what to say. So pleased that you conceived naturally, but so sad you lost your little one. You’re so strong, though Jodie, i do believe you’ll get there in the end. Take care xxxxx


  4. Posted by babysocks2008 on March 3, 2012 at 12:42 am

    Hi Jodie, I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You’re right that the positive is that you CAN GET PREGNANT! I am so proud of you for being able to take such a sad time and find the positive. Take care of yourself. xoxoxo


  5. I’m so, so sorry to hear this Jodie. To come through such a horrendous and tragic experience with such acceptance and positivity….well, it just speaks volumes about the person that you are. I am in awe of your bravery. Thinking of you guys xoxox


  6. Wow this sounds absolutely awful. Wishing the best for you next time around. R/A


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