Archive for March, 2012

And so to normality…

Ok, so it’s been a month since the miscarriage and I think Auntie Flo is on her way and I appear to have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is devastated and angry as I so DESPERATELY want to be pregnant again (all the positive thinking is helping but I can’t hide from my true feelings), and another part of me is glad my body is returning to normal so that next month I can hopefully be pregnant (being positive there) and my body will be in a good healthy position in order to avoid another miscarriage.

You see there’s a lot of opinions, medically speaking, about when one should try again after a miscarriage. Doctors have been known to recommend leaving it as long as 6 months before trying again, and others say 1 month. The truth is it doesn’t matter physically, as your body will only do what’s right for it anyway. There are people who have fallen immediately after a miscarriage, didn’t even have a period, and had a healthy baby. There are of course others, who fell immediately only to miscarry again, which is why Doctors ask us to wait at least 1 cycle, allowing our bodies to return to normal and be ‘baby ready’. I have been told that leaving it 1 cycle allows the lining to properly restore itself (makes perfect sense), thereby allowing the womb to be perfect. Doctors also want us to deal emotionally with our miscarriages, and not rush into another emotional rollercoaster, and I understand that.

I have dealt with this miscarriage much better than the first one, as it has given me so much hope and spurred me on with the healthy eating and alcohol avoidance (into month 4 now). But I didn’t count on missing the pregnancy symptoms so much! Last years pregnancy was without symptoms, but the February one had them all. I felt sick, my boobs were killing me and my tummy even changed shape, and despite the unpleasantness of these physical feelings…..I really want them back 😦 I think I feel so ready to be pregnant, especially mentally and emotionally, that the frustration and waiting is utterly doing my head in! Even though I am having period symptoms, there is still part of me hoping that they are pregnancy symptoms (as we all know they are pretty much identical, just to confuse us even more!).

So anyway, I know that it’s much better for my body and baby-to-be that I have at least one period before falling again (keep with the positive thinking there Jodie) so this is all fine. It’s also great that I have now got 3 months tea-total under my belt as this is how long it takes for our eggs to mature, meaning that they are as good as they can get from now on. Another achievement is that I’ve lost 4.5 lbs in weight in my first 2 weeks at Weight Watchers, again, all heading in the right direction for a healthy pregnancy. So here I go trying naturally for the first time in several years, having found new hope out of a sad ending. I would say wish me luck, but luck has nothing to do with it, we make our own luck x

Ooh on another note, we saw The Hunger Games at the cinema yesterday and a quote in the film really hit me, so I want to share it with all others who are still trying;

‘The only thing more powerful than fear, is hope’

So ladies, don’t be fearful…..be hopeful 🙂

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What I’m thinking/feeling today…

This is what I’m thinking today;

I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant – I want to be pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can anyone relate to that? I think so.

Replacing the TTC obsession with Weight Watchers

The phrase ‘just stop thinking about getting pregnant…and it will happen’ is a much hated phrase amongst those who are struggling to get pregnant. Annoyingly (brilliantly) it seemed to happen to work for me, as when I wasn’t concentrating on TTC (trying to conceive) but instead worrying about my forthcoming knee surgery, when I got pregnant naturally. So in an attempt to ‘stop thinking about it’ I’m trying to switch my focus on to something else: my weight loss.

infertility dietingI’ve joined Weight Watchers. It’s only been 10 days but I’ve lost 2.5 pounds, made new friends and created a new obsession. I know what I’m like and if I have a Project to do, then I obsess over it, it’s how I work best. Plus I’ve already noticed that my motivation for daily life things has changed, for example I don’t eat certain foods because they are good for fertility, I eat them because they are low on Pro Points (the counting method used by WW for those who don’t know, just a different way of looking at calories). I am prioritising my weight loss over my fertility, and I recognise that this is part of a long-term goal of fertility, but the weight loss is coming first at the moment. It occurred to me the other day that this is as good as it gets in regards to ‘stopping thinking about getting pregnant’, as in I actually believe it’s working. I feel less pressured and more relaxed, because I’m basically attempting something that I know I can achieve. It’s not that I can’t ever achieve another pregnancy, but this is a solid positive thing I can do now…and get it right.

Infertility has such a negative affect on a womans soul, it brings such a dark cloud to life and makes seemingly normal day-to-day tasks seem such a struggle. I think what I’m trying to do is break down this huge, massive difficult-to-achieve fertility mission into smaller attainable tasks that I can actually be positive about achieving. Everyday is wonderful in its own way, I have such amazing love from my husband and daughter that I can’t bear the thought of being miserable long-term, what would be the benefit in that?

The phrase ‘look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves’ sums up my theory. Look after yourself, find ways to make yourself healthy and happy, and the bigger picture will slowly work itself out. At least that’s what I believe 🙂

I’m really feeling rather good – should I be concerned?

I have to say that this alcohol-free lifestyle is truly working for me, my skin looks better and my head seems more organised (I have a tendency towards paranoia when going through hangovers, no fun). I have joined Weight Watchers and am ‘in the zone’ for some serious weight loss, first weigh-in tomorrow and I’ve been really good all week. I’ve been reading a meditation book (slowly admittedly) and have been impressed with how much the penny has been dropping in regards to my outlook on life. I have resisted the charms of Mr Google and asking Him about the latest fertility news, or how fertile I am now I’ve been pregnant, or whether a Tuesday is a good day to have baby-making-sex…you get the idea. I am even showing more confidence at work and am enjoying handling difficult situations that used to reduce me to a dribbling wreck. My hubby and I are an annoyingly happy loved up couple, I just can’t get enough of him! I see a Counsellor and this is going incredibly well and I do feel like I’m dealing with some ‘life shite’ that should have been addressed years ago. So, all in all, I am in a good place. I should be relaxed and happy. Nothing to worry about.

But that is exactly why I have this nagging voice saying “you know it won’t last” and “something bad is round the corner”. My Counsellor has said that this is a form of self-protection and that my mind is just preparing me for the worst, as normally….that’s what happens to me. I also, however, have such a low opinion of myself (thanks to my upbringing) that I truly don’t believe that I deserve anything nice to happen to me; that it’s my lot in life to cope with the bad when it turns up. So I’m supposed to work on this, to stop saying negative phrases and turn them around. So these are a couple of the phrases that I am telling myself constantly, and also the doubts that are still hanging on (for now);

I am fertile (was that my one and only chance at a pregnancy with my hubby?)

I am healthy (yeah, but not as healthy as I should be)

Each pregnancy is a new one, a miscarriage will not happen just because of the two previous ones (really? I’m still nearly 40, my eggs are still rubbish apparently so my chances are still high for a miscarriage) 

I am also trying to work out how you are supposed to ‘stop thinking about getting pregnant’ as I know that therein lies the solution. How?! I feel like a dog when it tries to bite its own tail. It sneaks up on it as if the tail were a separate entity, but we all can see what’s going on and find it hilarious to watch. This is how I see my dilemma, I can’t truly stop thinking about something so that (hopefully) something else will happen … because …. I’m me … and I know what I’m doing. Haha, it’s quite funny really.

So I continue to feel good, to behave well and to learn healthy life lessons and my journey continues. Maybe my negative voices are normal and will diminish over time. Or maybe I’m due a break-down? Oh heck…I’m off again…. 🙂

I’m only human

Well I’m finally getting back to normal (physically speaking) and the rollercoaster ride is settling down to the mundane work-home-eat-sleep routine. I’ve packed away the maternity clothes, the maternity folder and magazines, and am accepting that my tummy is the way it is due to the amount I eat…and no other reason. The ‘plastic smile’ is getting easier to produce at work and I’m sure some people wouldn’t even have guessed that anything had happened to me. Normality resumes.

The words that people have said to me, or posted, or emailed, have all been wonderful and caring; and they have comforted me. The trouble is that I feel guilty somewhat. I have re-read my posts, and listened to myself when conversing about ‘moving forward’ and realised that, boy-oh-boy do I talk-the-talk….but am I walking-the-walk?

I think I’m one of those people who is at their best when helping others, but utterly appalling at helping themselves. My feelings of guilt are because I don’t feel brave or strong, I don’t hold positive thoughts in my head all day and I actually still struggle with a very negative outlook on my situation because..well..I just feel rubbish. But when I think of myself as someone else, and imagine what I would say to them, then words of wisdom and hope seem to come flooding out. I’m also very aware of my ‘place’ in the infertility kingdom (why not a kingdom?) in that what has happened to me is indeed very sad and unfair, but there are many others who have suffered far greater grief and loss. They are the ones who are strong and brave, the ones who continue after much later miscarriages, the ones who find out that their baby has died inside them, the ones who hold their babies for a matter of minutes before losing them. My heart goes out to them.

So thank you to everyone who has wished us well, and said lovely things to me, I am truly grateful for your kindness and love. All I want to do now is wave my magic wand (yes I do have one…long story) and grant everyone a healthy baby. And whilst I still believe in everything I have ever posted about; the positivity, the healthy attitude, the acceptance etc.., please know that it’s hard for me. Know that I have days when I just cry for no apparent reason other than a feeling of complete sadness. Know that when I see a pushchair there is a little part of me that winces. Know that I still put my hands on my tummy without thinking and then recoil when the memory kicks in. I know my words make sense and are the right thing to do, but I’m only human and my emotions rule me most of the time. I just didn’t want anyone thinking that I was this tough little cookie who could analyse her situation and make cupcakes out of manure. I can’t.

But I’ll bloody well keep trying.