I’m only human

Well I’m finally getting back to normal (physically speaking) and the rollercoaster ride is settling down to the mundane work-home-eat-sleep routine. I’ve packed away the maternity clothes, the maternity folder and magazines, and am accepting that my tummy is the way it is due to the amount I eat…and no other reason. The ‘plastic smile’ is getting easier to produce at work and I’m sure some people wouldn’t even have guessed that anything had happened to me. Normality resumes.

The words that people have said to me, or posted, or emailed, have all been wonderful and caring; and they have comforted me. The trouble is that I feel guilty somewhat. I have re-read my posts, and listened to myself when conversing about ‘moving forward’ and realised that, boy-oh-boy do I talk-the-talk….but am I walking-the-walk?

I think I’m one of those people who is at their best when helping others, but utterly appalling at helping themselves. My feelings of guilt are because I don’t feel brave or strong, I don’t hold positive thoughts in my head all day and I actually still struggle with a very negative outlook on my situation because..well..I just feel rubbish. But when I think of myself as someone else, and imagine what I would say to them, then words of wisdom and hope seem to come flooding out. I’m also very aware of my ‘place’ in the infertility kingdom (why not a kingdom?) in that what has happened to me is indeed very sad and unfair, but there are many others who have suffered far greater grief and loss. They are the ones who are strong and brave, the ones who continue after much later miscarriages, the ones who find out that their baby has died inside them, the ones who hold their babies for a matter of minutes before losing them. My heart goes out to them.

So thank you to everyone who has wished us well, and said lovely things to me, I am truly grateful for your kindness and love. All I want to do now is wave my magic wand (yes I do have one…long story) and grant everyone a healthy baby. And whilst I still believe in everything I have ever posted about; the positivity, the healthy attitude, the acceptance etc.., please know that it’s hard for me. Know that I have days when I just cry for no apparent reason other than a feeling of complete sadness. Know that when I see a pushchair there is a little part of me that winces. Know that I still put my hands on my tummy without thinking and then recoil when the memory kicks in. I know my words make sense and are the right thing to do, but I’m only human and my emotions rule me most of the time. I just didn’t want anyone thinking that I was this tough little cookie who could analyse her situation and make cupcakes out of manure. I can’t.

But I’ll bloody well keep trying.


One response to this post.

  1. Posted by babysocks2008 on March 6, 2012 at 2:40 am

    hang in there. hugs


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