Posts Tagged ‘don’t care’

It didn’t work

The FET didn’t work. This particular journey has ended.

I will post more later but right now we’re going to walk the dog by the river and hold hands. And just love each other.

In a dark place..

I’m not having such a great day today. All of my positivity has left me and I am in a big hole of black stuff. I’m angry, frustrated, heartbroken, sad and feel utterly hopeless. I actually feel sick. I’m not proud of how I feel, but it’s completely taken me over and I have no choice but to ride it out. I don’t think I’ll ever be pregnant and I just want to hide under the duvet with a bottle of vodka …. except I can’t can I.

Today I just can’t deal with it all. I have no more ‘coping stuff’ left. It is what it is.

infertility sadness

Preparing to go tea-total for fertility

Tomorrow is the last day of our holiday and we return home to resume normal life (oh the joy). We have also resolved to give up drinking alcohol completely until after our next (and last) attempt at IVF in March/April. In the past our clinic advised me to just ‘go easy’ on the booze but there was no need to give it up completely. I don’t think this is bad advice to be honest, everything is fine in moderation, and the ‘demon’ drink does have some benefits too. No really, I’m sure it does. No really, it was written somewhere..I’m sure I read it somewhere..

Anyway, it’s no surprise that recent studies have  shown that alcohol can reduce our fertility by as much as 50% if you drink more than 2 glasses of wine a week (other sites/books claim slightly different statistics but that’s a fair average). This might be fine if you’re under 30 and not wanting to get pregnant in the first place, but if you’ve been trying for what seems like FOREVER and are paying for medical help in getting pregnant then you might take a second look at the findings. As I’ve mentioned before I do like to have a drink, although my binge drinking days are behind me now, and so giving alcohol up completely isn’t a walk in the park for me. This is not something I’m proud of, but I have to be honest with myself if I’m to make changes. I tend to get very, very angry (about my infertility) and turn it inwards on myself, then have an ‘I don’t care’ attitude and reach for a glass of something. This is what I have to change.

My hubby is giving up the booze to support me, he does not really need to do if from the fertility aspect as he does not have a problem (and he isn’t a heavy drinker in the first place). He will be my rock (as always) and be a wonderful nag and inspiration when I’m struggling I’m sure 🙂

So wish me luck x

Fed up with the adverts!!! Babies everywhere!!!

I haven’t posted for a while and I apologise for that, but I have been struggling. On the outside I am still happy, jokey, ‘bit of a twat’ Jodie still, but on the inside the following is going on;

  • I am beginning to think my tv knows when I sit down as it seems that when I do, an advert showing newborn babies comes on!!!! OR an advert for the latest pregnancy test!!!!
  • Despite trying to lose weight, I appear to be getting fatter (might have something to do with all the chocolates I’m cramming in my mouth as I am a depressed train wreck). The fatter I get, the bigger my tummy gets (obviously) but this seems to be particularly evil at present as I keep catching myself in the mirror ‘looking’ pregnant. Weird I know.
  • I am supposed to be 4 months pregnant right now! But thanks to mother nature stealing that from me, I have to watch my colleagues be pregnant instead. I ADORE my colleagues and am truly over the moon for them, but I am SUPPOSED to be pregnant with them.  It hurts 😦
  • We’ve started discussing adoption and fostering quite seriously now, and it’s something I’d really love to do (and have been hoping the day would come when we start this process). But it appears that it’s made me want my own even more!!!!!! That wasn’t supposed to happen! I was going to ‘move on’ and accept things, be an adult; no problem. Plus I can’t have my own anyway, egg donation is the only way for me, and we have simply run out of money.

But I am fighting to get my Christmas spirit back, appreciative of all the things I have in my life and grateful for the love and friendship that keeps me sane. This is the biggest guilt trip of all, knowing that other people have far worse tragedies going on than me. Got to keep the perspective. Got to be positive. Got to keep trying.

Why I don’t care..

Today I am wearing brown boots with black trousers. I am aware that this is a fashion no-no, but I don’t care.
I don’t care because I can’t make a baby. End of.
Today is one of those days were I truly couldn’t give a sh*&
Sad but true.