Posts Tagged ‘two week wait’

It didn’t work

The FET didn’t work. This particular journey has ended.

I will post more later but right now we’re going to walk the dog by the river and hold hands. And just love each other.

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2WW: 12DPT (days past transfer)

I haven’t posted this week mainly because I haven’t been in the best of places. I don’t think it’s worked and the anxiety and mental-ness that has come with that has been rather overpowering. I just didn’t know what to put in a post.

Basically (and without going into too much detail) I feel incredibly unpregnant and am expecting AF (Auntie Flo = period) to appear any moment. The drugs I am on have made me quite neurotic and I haven’t dealt with my ‘in limbo’ status very well at all. I broke down in tears on Wednesday and fingers crossed that was the worst of it out of my system. Luckily for me, when I fall apart (and I do fall apart) it doesn’t take long for me to pick up the pieces and soldier on, which is how I feel at the moment. At work I have been able to smile, converse with colleagues, go to meetings and all other ‘normal’ stuff, but when I get home it’s like a big emotional balloon deflating 😦 If my poor hubby just touched my arm I flinched and the tears started to well up, I just couldn’t take the emotions.

Yes I have tested early and no it wasn’t a positive result, but then I shouldn’t test early then should I?

Going utterly insane and can’t stand not being in control and having to wait for what will probably be bad news. This utterly sucks.

2WW: It’s getting scary now

First week was fine, flew by, I kept myself busy and positive, but now as I enter the second week…..I think it’s beginning to get to me. I have been having random symptoms but the trouble is I’m fully aware that these symptoms could be the drugs, a period or a pregnancy so am trying desperately to ignore them. Also, this morning I had an EPIC freak out when I suddenly realised that I hadn’t been taking the 75mg of aspirin a day!!!!! How the hell did I forget this??!!!!! I am so disappointed in myself (and the hubby for not reminding me), I can’t believe I’ve paid thousands of pounds, gone through physical torture, emotional breakdowns and at the last hurdle forgotten to take something as simple (and cheap) as a daily baby aspirin!!!! WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!

I’m waiting for the clinic to call me back and tell me what an utter doughnut I am.

I have also noticed that I have developed anger issues which I suspect are coming from the steroids. I’m perfectly fine and then all of a sudden I simply want to stab something/someone. It’s really quite that aggressive and kicks in within a second; very strange experience. I had a go at a woman in Asda on Saturday, the normal shopping trolley rage, too many people, not enough brain cells type of shopping experience, but I had to stop in front of the yoghurts and out loud say to myself “Breathe, Jodie, breathe”. God knows what people must have thought of me.

I think I may give being a neurotic woman a go and start taking pregnancy tests everyday, just go with the mental flow as it where. It’ll all be over by the end of the week (ish) one way or another.

BAAAAAAAH!

Can you enjoy yourself in the 2WW?

Yeah baby!

2 week wait

Very glamorous!

This is me last night at a friend’s birthday bash down the local pub. It was an AMAZING night! I made lovely new friends, caught up with old ones and took photos of them all. I even had a bit of a boogie which I have really missed since my knee surgery and I love an excuse to shake my tailfeather 😉 During this wonderful evening of karaoke, cake and drunkenness (not mine of course) did I ponder on my 2WW situation…or did I manage to pretend I was someone else for the night? Nah! Of course I thought about my Potentials and how they were getting on; making sure I was drinking enough water, not doing any jumpy movements (I was grooving, not headbanging) and popping outside now and then to get some fresh air and cool down.

A couple of people offered me a drink and when I said “No thank you I’m good, I don’t drink” I noticed that nearly everyone reacts the same way to this statement. A frown. It’s like I’ve just said “Hi I’m actually your future grand-daughter and I’ve hitched a lift with a time traveller just to see you tonight” Saying “No” to an offer of alcohol is just…..unheard of! I used to be a HUGE drinker, loved my booze, and I’m trying to remember if this is how I reacted to tea-totallers? The reality is I probably did and I think it’s because drinking is such a big part of our social scene that you’re not really socializing unless you have a glass/pint in your hand. What’s strange though is that if you offered someone a cigarette and they didn’t smoke, you wouldn’t try forcing them to have one, but that’s what happens when you don’t drink alcohol. I know it’s well-meaning, but trust me I’m happy not drinking, and I’m happy for you to continue drinking in front of me…it really isn’t a problem. But it then leads to “Why don’t you drink?” and they’re not happy being brushed off with a small answer like health, they want to know everything.

So I told. I started off by simply saying that I’m trying for a baby, but that leads to “Oh you can have a couple, it won’t do any harm” which then leads to my explaining that we’ve been trying for years and have had IVF etc….but then they start putting their thinking caps on and start telling me “what you need to do is relax/go away for a weekend/I knew a woman once who did *this* and she got pregnant immediately/eat more bananas/etc.. etc.. etc..” then I want to say “yes I know all this!!!!!!” But I don’t because that’s just rude.

I actually think it’s wonderful that a conversation flowed after I was so open with a topic that most still keep very quiet, and what I have found is that people are actually quite interested. They also want to help; they search their memories for any useful tip they may have once read on getting pregnant just to pass on to me. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable because I’m so open about a sensitive subject, but I’m pleased with how I conversed with others on infertility and how they did to me in return. Basically I had a wonderful evening with no worries, and I could be myself and have fun.

On another note, I am now 6 days into the 2WW and all is still fine. I do have some symptoms BUT symptoms come from the drugs or an impending period as well as from a possible pregnancy and I’m very aware of that so my feet are firmly on the ground still.

Honest.

2WW : 3 days in and all’s well

I know it’s only been three days but if you’ve ever gone through a 2WW (the two week wait before you can take a pregnancy test to see if your attempt worked) you will know that every day is excruciating! It’s like being 5 years old and waiting for Christmas to arrive, except there’s a strong chance that you may be getting a lump of coal instead of presents. I am actually doing very well and although I, understandably, have nothing exciting to report yet, I think I’m coping ok 🙂

Knowing that so many people are wishing us good luck and sending their positive vibes, is a huge thing; makes me very humble. My lovely donor friend is excited for us too and I love that we can talk about it together. Today she told me that she couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to help somebody out if they could, and that it’s the same as organ donating or giving blood. She is truly one in a million!

I can really appreciate that this isn’t just a journey to get a baby. There are so many little excursions along the way, and all of them are soul nourishing! Life is full of hope and happiness; it’s not about being lucky enough to find it, it’s about being clever enough to recognise it.

The Two Week wait commences!

Just a quick little post to say that the transfer went perfectly, much to my joy!

Both the embryos/Potentials survived the thaw and we had them both popped in. The process itself was the least painful one I’ve ever had! For those who are unfamiliar with the transfer process it’s similar to a smear test, and the pain varies in my experience. You know how some days your smear test nurse just can’t quite seem to get the job done and it starts making your eyes smart? Well that’s as bad as a transfer can get, so in reality nothing to be afraid of. Us women are good at manning up (says she who was shitting herself all day!)

I’ve been given my instructions (no shellfish, no alcohol/fags, glass of milk daily, at least 2 litres of water daily, no marathon running or weight lifting) and my drugs (aspirin, steroid tablets and progesterone suppositories). My clinic has made a little change to the suppositories this time round…..they’re not going in the same place as before! This is a sensitive subject and I’m conscious that some work colleagues read my blog and may never be able to look at me quite the same ever again if I go into too much detail here. So I’ll just say that my husband thinks it’s hilarious and keeps blowing raspberries at me!

ivf

I am so going to get this…one day.

I asked the lovely Annette (our nurse/fertility expert) today what the situation was with my taking herbal supplements now? A very in-depth conversation followed where she explained that nothing has actually been scientifically proven that supplements/acupuncture/etc.. has increased pregnancies. Now this is something that I agree with and I’ve always viewed meditation and acupuncture as something for the woman, as opposed to creating a pregnancy. And my research into supplements has shown me how complex this field is and how you really shouldn’t chuck tablets down your neck just  because it’s the latest feature article in a Health magazine. Subsequently the tablets I chose to take were quite basic, all round good supplements that would benefit my whole body. I steered away from things like Agnes Castus for example, as I didn’t feel knowledgeable enough to know that I was doing the right thing (Agnus Castus is a supplement that you take for 2 weeks then stay off it for 2 weeks during your cycle, so quite specific, and there is conflicting advice on whether you can take it when pregnant or not). At least this is my thought process, I completely accept and respect that others have differing views on this, I was just trying to help myself as much as possible. Interestingly though, Annette explained that supplements can be quite potent and could interfere with the drugs the clinic provide for example. This is proven with St John’s Wort which can interfere with chemotherapy (http://www.bmj.com/content/325/7362/460.4). So I am now off my supplements. This is a fascinating topic though and please do reply with your thoughts and opinions.

So anyway, I am now officially in the Two Week Wait zone and can do pretty much nothing until I’m allowed to take a pregnancy test. I have no doubt that the time will drag by so I’m going to try to keep myself really busy (but not stressed). I’m helping my Mother-in-Law out with her cake making business and we have our first Wedding Fayre to exhibit at this Sunday! I’ve been making wedding favours and cup cakes by the tonne, trying to find that perfect, original and unique ‘idea’ that will make us our millions 🙂 Her website is www.cakesbymariepike.co.uk if you want to see how great she is. I digress….sorry.

I have (controversially I’m sure) already been conversing with my Potentials and making sure they’re settling in. As soon as I knew I was pregnant with my daughter (nearly 17 years ago) I talked to her constantly, I couldn’t help it, it just seemed natural. So I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t do the same now just because the beginning is slightly different. I’m gonna go with the flow!

IVF Part 3: The ‘afterwards’

So after the IVF egg collection and then the subsequent ‘pop back the fertilised ones’ session a few days later, the two week wait (2WW) is upon you. This is really quite tough as it’s as if you have the biggest secret in the world…but can’t do anything with it…as it might just go wrong and then there is no longer a secret to share. So there is this breath holding awesomeness which you can’t help but smile at, coupled with a voice in your head telling you to keep you feet firmly on the ground and think about something else. Yeah right!

For me I didn’t even get to the end of my 2WW as my period came a couple of days before I could even think of testing 😦 I felt robbed even of this moment which is ridiculous when I think about it as it doesn’t make any difference to the overall outcome. But still I wanted to have that morning moment of preparing the test and getting tummy flutters etc.. whilst hubby and I sat watching a pee’d on stick. Nevermind. Maybe I was saved an extra disappointment.

After the realisation of a failed IVF attempt hits you, you are numb. You can’t quite believe that this has just happened to you, and where is the justice or fairness? Anger kicks in quite quickly and along with all the drugs that have been pumped through our system, I think we should all be excused some mental moments. For me, I went back to work as soon as I could, in fact I made sure that our IVF journey had little if any effect on my working day and I strived to keep that part carrying on as normal. I think it helped me to focus on the mundane job stuff, whilst such a tremendous feat was going on in my personal life, it helps to balance life out I guess.

I wanted to begin planning the next IVF attempt, that was how I ‘got over it’. I very quickly tried to deal with the reality that it didn’t work and then map out our next moves. It was now truly confirmed that egg quality was our problem, and so I embraced the research of this and tried to find out everything I could to help improve my scenario. Do check back to my previous posts that refer to what supplements I take in regards to egg quality improving.

My biggest battle though is with myself. For as long as I can remember, when I have a problem in my life I reach for a glass of alcohol. This is not to say I am an alcoholic, but drink has been a comfort during a life filled with awful husbands, a dead mother and a troubled childhood. I know this is my way of ‘losing myself’ when I can’t face reality and I’m sure that I’m not alone with that feeling. If I’m sad, I will have a drink, this then lets me cry openly like a baby and I can ‘let it all out’. It also sometimes lets the anger out too which is not so pleasant for those around me but I’m sure a shrink would encourage that more than the tears. But as you may already be thinking, alcohol is something that I should be avoiding as it is AWFUL for fertility, and so here starts my cycle of self blame. I am currently on holiday and am drinking alcohol until I return home, then my wonderful hubby is going to join me in giving up alcohol altogether for our very last attempt at assisted conception with our frozen embryos in March/April 2012.

I think the big thing to take on board when going down the IVF journey is that you will face your inner demons. If you can embrace them, or even deal with them, then the strength from this will take you as a couple, forward with whatever happens. I suspect I run from mine and don’t face my own truths sometimes, but at least I’m aware of this and so surely that must be positive? I will continue with the yoga and meditation and try to lose the weight, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and hold my head high even when I am my own worst enemy. Because tomorrow is another day…and maybe it will be a fertile one?

Happy New Year everyone! May next year be filled with happy experiences and lots of positive pregnancy tests! 🙂